I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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