Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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