I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
