are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
