Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
