A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
