Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
