already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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