Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
