you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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