chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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