I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
