Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
