now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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