I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
