dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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