im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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