I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
