I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
