I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
