Can Purell be used as lube?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
