I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
