Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
