i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I could fuck to npr.
this is an emotional support booty call
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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