party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
