I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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