walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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