my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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