My liver just broke up with me...
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
