you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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