did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I party with great urgency now.
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