Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
