I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
