You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
