He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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