mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
