Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
