ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
