the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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