i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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