Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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