Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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