I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
