You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
