I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
