so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
