I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
