Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
