I'll bet she douches with gravy.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
