i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
