I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
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