all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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